fear

I have several 'started but never finished' blogs so I figured it was time to start tying up lose ends. Be patient, my health updates and awareness information for Breast Implant Illness are coming! I know y’all have questions, I will definitely answer ‘em. I thought this post was relevant for Mother's Day.

I have done what most would consider excessive amounts of self reflection over the last few months. I’ve been forced to really dig deep and process a lot of unresolved issues in order to grow and learn from this journey. I have had to set boundaries and in some instances end relationships. Both are things that I have always struggled with but I am learning now how crucial they are to healthy relationships. No relationship is perfect -  with our friends , parents, siblings, spouses, or even our children. Sometimes even the closest relationships have to come to an end in order for the people within them to grow as individuals. All this reflection has exposed the catalyst for this downward spiral. Motherhood. Now before I go any further, please let me start by saying that I would not change my children for the world or my decision to become their Mama. My babies were all welcomed and very much wanted. 

... But the transition to motherhood was one that was difficult for me. 

It’s important to understand that I was the little girl whose dream in life was to be a badass, barefoot, authentic Mama - like I remember my own! The fear of being judged by others as an unfit mother because of my disability was crushing. I think that’s where my insecurities began ruling my life. 

Ryker’s premature birth was traumatic for me. My ability to parent was instantly challenged by the hospital after his birth. My defences were evoked and from there FEAR took over. Fears of having my child - now children - taken away and losing the family that I had finally created. It was almost as though each of my pregnancies were major hurdles to overcome. I was always challenged by medical staff; who were either terrified by my spinal cord injury, thought I was living without concern for my health or didn’t support my choices. Motherhood will always be the most rewarding challenge.

I’ve realized  now that my fears have never been my own. The things that I have always been afraid of, are things that were engrained in me or imprinted on me by other people. This realization has saved my life. It is because of this realization that I am not afraid to be myself and I’m not afraid to do what I know is right. Which is particularly important right now in my healing journey. If I had listened to mainstream medical advice, I probably wouldn’t have had my implants removed and it likely would’ve cost me my life. I have personally had to make decisions that have terrified the people closest to me, as I’ve gone against doctors orders; to do what I know is right for my body.

Letting go of fears, whether they are your own or someone else’s, is essential for growth and development. If I had remained in that state of constant fear, I would not have been able to transform my life and begin to recover my health. Had I been able to let go of my fears sooner, perhaps I wouldn’t have opted for breast implants in the first place! Hindsight is always 20/20, friends. Do not waste one second living with regret. Let negative feelings ride and move forward.