nomad.
I spent the better part of 11 years living (ahem... hiding) in a small town after my spinal cord injury. Although I acted as though I knew what I was doing, subconsciously I was seeking the space to learn exactly how to manage disabled life while still fulfilling my soul purpose in this life. The growth took a little longer than I wanted and took a lot more fumbles than I would have liked but that’s the beauty of the journey.
My recovery from breast implant illness and subsequently the breakdown of my family left me alone and very much struggling to maintain stability in the house that my family once occupied. I needed change. I needed to find the inspiration to live again. I knew that I needed a fresh start in a new place. The Great Canadian Woman book launched the first weekend in October 2019. I remember sitting at the event listening to all the other authors and speakers and a light went off in my head. Toronto! That’s where I need to be. This moment also brought me back to the year prior when I was admitted to a Toronto hospital and one of my childhood friends came to visit me. I was telling her that I knew everything was crumbling and I needed to start preparing to begin again. She suggested that I move to Toronto. At that time, I was way to sick and truthfully the idea seemed impossible.
Back to the book launch, I decided to leave the event early because I was being called to make big changes. I felt it in my soul. That week I started looking at properties in Toronto and by the following week I had found my new home. I got everything signed and finalized the closing date for mid November. Downsizing from 3000sq ft to 650sq ft was intense but it felt so good to get rid of things that I really didn’t need. Much of my healing journey has involved clearing. Clearing my space, clearing my mind, clearing stagnant energy and eliminating relationships that were hindering my growth. It was terrifying at times. The lack mindset can be powerfully scary. Here’s what I learned though;
Change is scary. Letting go of things is scary. Moving on from relationships is scary. But... the truth is, in order to make room for the new things that come with the next chapter, we have to release the old. We have to lean into change in order to really benefit from the experience. Resisting inevitable change only leaves you miserable and half way between chapters. Essentially stuck in limbo. Learning to trust that what’s to come is better than what is gone was a hard lesson for me to learn especially at a time when I was struggling so much with trust in general. It freed me. Truly.
Upon arriving in Toronto, boxes stacked literally to the ceiling, I felt a sense of nervous calm. I knew that I was safe. I knew that I was loved. What I didn’t know entirely is why the universe had placed me here. Toronto was a rocky start to say the least. The art of organizing small spaces was not my forte and apparently I still had way more “stuff” than I needed. The support staff that I hired was anything but ideal. I had hired someone who thought they were there to “take care of me” rather than support me in being an extension of myself, for the tasks that I couldn’t manage independently. I was incredibly emotional for a few months while attempting to find a better candidate for the position. Often questioning if my move was a mistake. In February I finally found someone that aligned with my values. Things were at last falling into a groove... and then COVID hit.
About a week before we went into lockdown, the guy I had been seeing long distance (since October) decided to move to Toronto. Thankfully I wasn’t living alone when the world got weird. Divine timing. As the weeks past and the pandemic restrictions were still in place, my guy and I made the decision to leave the city for the summer. Having an autoimmune disease and being a quadriplegic with compromised lung function makes me more susceptible and less likely to recover from a respiratory illness like COVID. Leaving the city until we have a better idea of what we are dealing with made a whole lot more sense. My guy still had his place in Haliburton so we decided to make the move up North.
To any able bodied person, this would be a dream! Summer in beautiful cottage country, surrounded by nature with tons of room for the kids. To a quadriplegic, this was a bit daunting. I had to leave my (newfound) reliable support staff, find new support staff in a new town where I know NO ONE, navigate a new routine in a house and town that are not accessible, the list goes on. All this change for a temporary relocation. It made sense though, during a time when very little about the way we were living made sense at all. I knew that this experience would be necessary growth.
We moved to Haliburton in June, it’s almost September now. I’ll be returning to Toronto in December. It’s hard to believe that it’s almost been a year since I first decided to move to Toronto. Home is no longer a place for me. It’s a feeling. Home is when I hug my little dudes super tight. Home is when my heart feels at peace. Home is when I feel safe to grow beyond what I ever thought was possible. I found my way home to myself when I stopped looking outwards for a sense of belonging. Committing to growth has been the biggest game changer for me. I had to adapt the dialogue around failure. Just because things didn’t turn out the way I wanted them to, does not mean that I failed. It means that those things weren’t meant for me and it’s all part of a bigger picture that I can’t see.
